The most important lesson a male needs to learn to retain membership of the Man Box is:
Don’t be a Girl.

Whatever you do, under all circumstances, no matter what…
Don’t be a girl

​Don’t look like a girl – don’t smell like a girl – don’t wear girl clothes – don’t do girl things like dance or like ballet – don’t do a girl job – don’t feel – don’t empathise - don’t cry – don’t negotiate (especially with a girl)  – don’t go to the doctor till the last minute – don’t lose -  don’t fail.
 
If you do, you will be shamed, and abused… and even violenced
till you learn to get back in that box.
 
And if you rebel or just don’t get it,
And wear pink or purple or polka dots to the building site one day…
the rejection from the Man Club is often too great to bear.
Its better to be dead.
 
And who does this shaming and abusing?
Other men.
Women do their fair share.
But mostly, its men.
 
All those girly qualities rejected again and again.
And then you spend your whole life trying to get back into that womb,
to get even a taste of that feminine.
You want it so bad, like an addict, you think about it day and night,
you will take it, you will spend lots of money to get it, you will destroy your marriage for it, lose your kids, you will rape it, you will kill for it.
 
But that normal softer part of you, that society mistakenly calls ‘feminine’,
Is an integral part of you.
 
But you have to cut it off, truncate it, squash and distort it
Till all that is left, is a cartoonish empty caricature of ‘what it means to be a ‘real man’.
 
You are caught in the most horrifying paradox of all
Don’t be a girl – but you got to have the girl.
 
This endless impossible quest rips you apart internally.
And as you rip those muscles at the gym, mistakenly thinking that the girl
(who you unconsciously despise) will want you more when you look that way,
You are filled with an unspeakable rage at the unfairness,
the confusion, the overwhelming difficulty of the task.
 
To keep the girl, to get the sex, to fill the emptiness,
You have to understand what makes her tick,
What she wants, what turns her on…
This being that you have been taught again and again and again
To despise
To despise most every quality that she embodies
 
And yet you can’t get enough…
The emptiness calls
 
And if she opens her mouth to express anything
that doesn’t fit into your picture of how she should be,
if she’s not totally grateful for all the effort you put in
To toil endless hours at that job
Build that house,
Mow that lawn
 
And if she won’t ‘give’ you sex, the sex that you deserve, that you are owed
For having to spend a lifetime crushing that girl part.
Then you have every right to get it elsewhere, in whatever way you can
And at whatever cost.
 
Because deep down, you suspect you may be nothing without that girl part
 
That if you cant fill yourself from that girl cup,
You are starved and empty and worthless
And life is meaningless
So, you feel that righteous anger rise within you.
The anger that comes from deep, deep powerlessness
The powerlessness that comes from
you don’t know that you don’t know that you don’t know
 
And so, you take it out on them.
After all, they are weaker.
It’s not so hard when they don’t fight back.
Crush that bitch, crush her as hard as you have crushed yourself.
As hard as your father or teacher or boss or friend
Crushed the aliveness, the creativity, the joy, the soft squishiness of you
The you that lives in the straightjacket, the suffocating confines of that ManBox
The ManBox that you might not have known even existed.
 
Until now...

​Copywrite Frances Amaroux  2019   

And here is Justin Baldoni - actor - beautifully expressing the same idea.
WHY I'M DONE TRYING TO BE "MAN ENOUGH"

​

Win-Win Relating
No matter how fantastic your relationship is, its likely to move into the ‘Power Struggle’ stage some time after  2 months to 2 years together. In this very normal stage, where one or both parties attempt to re-establish their individuality separate from the relationship. You begin to look for what is different, or wrong or bad with your partner. And this is where arguments and disconnection can start.
 
At this stage, people either run for the hills, stay stuck on and off for the duration of the relationship, or learn to create wonderful win-wins and stay happily together.
 
This is where having a few relationship and communication skills can be very handy.

• Get in early – don’t allow things to fester. No matter how small or large the issues are, clean them up.
• If your partner has an issue with you, take it seriously, even if you don’t think it’s a problem.
•  Put aside special time to clear up issues.
• Learn how to do Active Listening – where you take it in turns to truly listen and empathise and understand each other’s point of view.
• Learn to listen and active-listen without going into judgement and wanting to be right. No matter how crazy or wrong your partner sounds, your job is to step into their shoes and understand them from their world.
• After you have both FULLY heard and understood each other, co-create juicy win-wins, and make clear agreements about future behaviour together.

​We live in a culture that values winning, but unfortunately if you win in your relationship, your relationship loses, and often gets so toxic that it dies. Instead, always think of your relationship as a team sport – you are both on the same side, working together using your unique gifts and talents - heading towards the same goal of long term love, connection, safety and happiness together.