$ Million dollar Relationships $
…what commitment really looks like
or how much is your relationship worth?
 
At regular intervals in healthy relationships, one or other of the partners needs to ask for what they want. Paradoxically, it’s not necessarily ‘needy’ to have needs. 
 
In essence, if you love someone,
you commit to knowing what they need,
and you fulfil those needs as best you can,
…as long as it causes no great harm to yourself.
 
Some people are natural at guessing their partner’s needs, and others have to be told. If a partner has to be told all the time, then you have a problem relationship. It means that they are not acting with empathy which is the foundation of all good relationships. Empathy means, energetically stepping in the shoes of the other, and really feeling what they are thinking and feeling. You do this guessing game, because you care.  The more you do it, the better you get.
 
The one with the need often starts off by innocently, asking their partner to do XYZ. But if they get a negative response, the next choice is often to decide to just grin and bear it… to put up with not having that need met.  
 
Then, after a while, as the need is not being met, and the tension starts building up, they may end up being a little sarcastic or controlling or manipulative….i.e. going around the back way to get the need met. Which usually doesn’t work, and ends up hurting the other partner, and/or undermining the trust. It also gives the partner who is not fulfilling the need, the opportunity (should they choose it) to gaslight their partner for behaving badly. Which now puts negative focus on the person who just innocently has a need they would like filled. Never a nice predicament.
 
Both parties are responsible for their response.
The asker needs to do it in a skilful manner, and the listener needs to be present and willing to jump into action and do what is required, or re-negotiate a win-win.
 
Some couples are great up to this point, but then one of them struggles with remembering to DO what was asked. They agree to do the request, but just can’t seem to remember to do it.
 
 This is where the idea of the million dollar relationship kicks in.
So imagine if there was a magic fairy godmother who said she would give you $1 million if you did the thing you agreed to.
Would you do it??
 
Most people sheepishly agree that they probably would… that no matter how bad their memory is, that they would find a way. Interestingly, these people easily turn up to work on time, know exactly when the sports starts on TV, or never forget a hair appointment.
 
Because yes, memory is selective.  Unless we actually have a physical memory issue, we remember things that we care about. Not always, but mostly.
 
So the question is – how much do you care about nurturing your relationship – what is your relationship worth??
 
You know how much it’s worth to you, because you just won’t put it risk. Like a job you love. Like a holiday you have been planning. Like your health… or children. It’s important, so you do what it takes to keep it healthy and happening. All the little seemingly unimportant things, and the bigger things. That’s what commitment means.
 
 
But how do I remember?!!
So, like you do with anything that matters, you commit, you put strategies in place.
 
You put up signs in the bedroom/kitchen etc; alarms on your phone; use NLP or other mind strategies to install it in your subconscious mind. Imagine yourself doing the action, saying “Million dollars!”  to yourself,  and feeling great that you’ve done it.
You do whatever it takes to keep your word and build trust and care into your incredibly valuable relationship.
 
Every time you do this, is like depositing $100 into your Relationship Savings Account. Soon the habit of saying YES to your relationship becomes easier and easier, and you find that at the end of the year, you have a huge account bursting with love and trust and joy and connection … and great sex ;-)
 
UP NEXT
 Obviously, your partner needs to ask Cleary and Kindly and Skilfully for what they want. And that’s a whole other thing altogether. See next blog. Coming soon!
 

The most important lesson a male needs to learn to retain membership of the Man Box is:
Don’t be a Girl.

Whatever you do, under all circumstances, no matter what…
Don’t be a girl

​Don’t look like a girl – don’t smell like a girl – don’t wear girl clothes – don’t do girl things like dance or like ballet – don’t do a girl job – don’t feel – don’t empathise - don’t cry – don’t negotiate (especially with a girl)  – don’t go to the doctor till the last minute – don’t lose -  don’t fail.
 
If you do, you will be shamed, and abused… and even violenced
till you learn to get back in that box.
 
And if you rebel or just don’t get it,
And wear pink or purple or polka dots to the building site one day…
the rejection from the Man Club is often too great to bear.
Its better to be dead.
 
And who does this shaming and abusing?
Other men.
Women do their fair share.
But mostly, its men.
 
All those girly qualities rejected again and again.
And then you spend your whole life trying to get back into that womb,
to get even a taste of that feminine.
You want it so bad, like an addict, you think about it day and night,
you will take it, you will spend lots of money to get it, you will destroy your marriage for it, lose your kids, you will rape it, you will kill for it.
 
But that normal softer part of you, that society mistakenly calls ‘feminine’,
Is an integral part of you.
 
But you have to cut it off, truncate it, squash and distort it
Till all that is left, is a cartoonish empty caricature of ‘what it means to be a ‘real man’.
 
You are caught in the most horrifying paradox of all
Don’t be a girl – but you got to have the girl.
 
This endless impossible quest rips you apart internally.
And as you rip those muscles at the gym, mistakenly thinking that the girl
(who you unconsciously despise) will want you more when you look that way,
You are filled with an unspeakable rage at the unfairness,
the confusion, the overwhelming difficulty of the task.
 
To keep the girl, to get the sex, to fill the emptiness,
You have to understand what makes her tick,
What she wants, what turns her on…
This being that you have been taught again and again and again
To despise
To despise most every quality that she embodies
 
And yet you can’t get enough…
The emptiness calls
 
And if she opens her mouth to express anything
that doesn’t fit into your picture of how she should be,
if she’s not totally grateful for all the effort you put in
To toil endless hours at that job
Build that house,
Mow that lawn
 
And if she won’t ‘give’ you sex, the sex that you deserve, that you are owed
For having to spend a lifetime crushing that girl part.
Then you have every right to get it elsewhere, in whatever way you can
And at whatever cost.
 
Because deep down, you suspect you may be nothing without that girl part
 
That if you cant fill yourself from that girl cup,
You are starved and empty and worthless
And life is meaningless
So, you feel that righteous anger rise within you.
The anger that comes from deep, deep powerlessness
The powerlessness that comes from
you don’t know that you don’t know that you don’t know
 
And so, you take it out on them.
After all, they are weaker.
It’s not so hard when they don’t fight back.
Crush that bitch, crush her as hard as you have crushed yourself.
As hard as your father or teacher or boss or friend
Crushed the aliveness, the creativity, the joy, the soft squishiness of you
The you that lives in the straightjacket, the suffocating confines of that ManBox
The ManBox that you might not have known even existed.
 
Until now...

​Copywrite Frances Amaroux  2019   

And here is Justin Baldoni - actor - beautifully expressing the same idea.
WHY I'M DONE TRYING TO BE "MAN ENOUGH"

​

One of the most profoundly difficult things we are asked to do in healthy relationships/friendships, is 'Sit in the Fire' when your friend/partner is feeling angry.

As long as they do not insult or demean or physically harm you, the most powerful and effective thing you can do is, breathe, ground and stay present... empathise.
Do not give advice, unless clearly asked for.

Feel the feelings of wanting to run away, or make it better.
Keep breathing and stay put. Sit in the centre of the heat.

And remember, in all likelihood, (unless they really ARE an abuser) ...their anger is a valid response to things that only they know about... until you fully listen.

Leave your fear and judgement at the door,
and empathise more and more.

If it feels safe and appropriate, and you are in the same space, see if you can stay, or get back in physical contact.

Anger is an incredible self-protective emotion...and wonderful learning and healing comes from staying present and hearing them out. If done well, it can DEEPEN the intimacy and trust in the relationship. But if not done well, it can do the opposite.

SIT IN THE HEAT.  ( but don't put up with abuse.)

The deeper you look, the more it would appear that the negative controllers in our society are weaponising this ‘toxic masculinity’ phrase as a way to create even more division.  It’s their age-old schtick. Just like they did with the Feminist movement, which these days resembles nothing like it was intended to be. Classic Feminism was simply about equal access to rights and resources. And surely no ethical person can quibble with that?  But now we have the manipulated psyop of Neo-Feminism, which looks nothing like what Classic Feminism was designed to do ( more on this in future writings.)

But unless more men face their shadow - the shadow of their Patriarchal-Dominator past (and some present). Unless they truly learn to listen to how things have been ( and still are for many women), then they will never truly be able to come into sacred union with the Healed Feminine.       

I have great compassion for how men have been treated under this system. That is a whole other story which I will be dealing with in future posts!! But it was they who wield/ed unbalanced power, and therefore it is they who must take ownership of this and acknowledge the damage that has been wrought upon the Feminine.

Similarly, if someone does wrong and ends up in jail, it’s much easier for people to be motivated to help and support them, if they own up to their part for whatever got them there.   

So, if men as a whole, refuse to acknowledge the horrors perpetrated against women for millennia,  then it's impossible for us as a societal whole to move to the next stage to acknowledge the equally, but more subtle abuse that men experience under this Dominator System.

Healers know that unless we individually face our shadow/demons and take full responsibility, then we will continue causing harm to ourselves or others.
Hence why the Men’s movement - tho incredibly important - seems to go round in circles - seems blocked and stultified.

So, a call to Men….
​I, and many women I know, are here to hold you safe, so you can do the work that needs to be done.  So that we can both fly strong together to a new world of Co-operation and Partnership

At first glance, this looks like a reasonable comment.
So lets dig deeper.
Let's explore the role of adjectives. Adjectives are used to describe nouns i.e. things or concepts. We can have a noun on its own - like Apple. Or a noun with a descriptor/adjective ie Red Apple.
For people who know that apples come in many colours, shapes and sizes, at no time do we make the assumption that ALL apples are red. So, if someone uses the phrase 'red apple' - we can safely assume that ALL red apples are red... and they are not green or yellow.

So, when someone uses the term 'toxic masculinity',  they are not describing ALL masculinities, they are describing the toxic forms.
Hence, Masculinity just is as it IS... and toxic masculinity describes negative and harmful behaviours by some men ... but obviously, not ALL males.

And we dont have to dig too deeply, to find endless examples of such behaviour. Books, movies and direct experience show the  myriad forms of patriarchal, dominating, abusive and  harmful behaviours by men over the milennia.  
No-one with their brain intact, can refute this.

However, the joy of adjectives means we have a plethora of other adjectives to describe male behaviour/masculinity ie generous, supportive, kind, sexy, loving etc.

So Masculinity can be toxic or awesome - depending on the actual behaviour of the male involved. It's dependent on behaviour, not what genitals you have.

Now to the meme above...  Did the writer mean it to be so obfuscating of the truth, or were they just trying hard, but confused??
I quote - "masculinity isn't toxic, the absence of it is."
​
"Strong, masculine men are protective and loving." Really? Dont we all know plenty of strong masculine men who are the opposite??
The noun and adjective exist for a reason. There are plenty of men who are toxic, and have been all throughout history. And the form of masculinity that they aspire to, is the dominator/patriarchal kind. Not the healthy kind that many men live from.
Who do you think does all the raping and bashing?
Who do you think ends up in jail?
Toxic abusive guys... often guys with higher testosterone - ie more masculine, not less.
Saying their behaviour is a lack of masculinity has no basis in logic.
Just another mindf**k to confuse people.
The best way to get past the whole toxic masculinity thing, is for men to not follow in those dudes footsteps… And just be a great man. The wonderful thing is that there’s plenty of them out there. It’s become the latest thing, to be a strong, caring, non-abusive, healthy male.