Sit in the Fire

Sit in the Fire

One of the hardest things to do in a healthy relationship or friendship is to sit in the fire — to stay present when someone you love is angry.

Provided they are not insulting, demeaning, threatening or physically harming you, one of the most powerful things you can do is resist the urge to defend yourself, fix the problem or walk away.

First, breathe.
Ground yourself.

Then stay present.

Listen until you understand not only what they are saying, but what they are feeling underneath it.

Listen. Feel. Empathise.

Avoid giving advice unless they ask for it. And try not to rush towards explaining your side before they have felt fully heard.

​This does not mean that everything they are saying is necessarily accurate, fair or reasonable. Nor does it mean you have to agree with them.

It simply means that, before you decide what you think about their anger, you are willing to understand where it is coming from.

Anger is often a protective emotion.
Beneath it there may be hurt, fear, disappointment, betrayal, helplessness or a sense that something important has been violated.

If you can stay present long enough to hear what is underneath the anger, something quite remarkable can happen.

The nervous system begins to settle.
Defensiveness softens.

The person who is angry begins to feel seen rather than opposed.

And what could have become a battle can sometimes become a moment of deeper intimacy.

If it feels safe and welcome, gentle physical connection can also help — a hand held, a touch on the arm, sitting a little closer. But never force contact when someone needs space.

So leave fear and judgement at the door as much as you can.
Open your heart.
Listen to understand.
And stay in the heat long enough to discover what the anger is trying to tell you.

Sit in the fire.

​But remember: staying present is not the same as tolerating abuse.