$ Million dollar Relationships $
…what commitment really looks like
or how much is your relationship worth?
 
At regular intervals in healthy relationships, one or other of the partners needs to ask for what they want. Paradoxically, it’s not necessarily ‘needy’ to have needs. 
 
In essence, if you love someone,
you commit to knowing what they need,
and you fulfil those needs as best you can,
…as long as it causes no great harm to yourself.
 
Some people are natural at guessing their partner’s needs, and others have to be told. If a partner has to be told all the time, then you have a problem relationship. It means that they are not acting with empathy which is the foundation of all good relationships. Empathy means, energetically stepping in the shoes of the other, and really feeling what they are thinking and feeling. You do this guessing game, because you care.  The more you do it, the better you get.
 
The one with the need often starts off by innocently, asking their partner to do XYZ. But if they get a negative response, the next choice is often to decide to just grin and bear it… to put up with not having that need met.  
 
Then, after a while, as the need is not being met, and the tension starts building up, they may end up being a little sarcastic or controlling or manipulative….i.e. going around the back way to get the need met. Which usually doesn’t work, and ends up hurting the other partner, and/or undermining the trust. It also gives the partner who is not fulfilling the need, the opportunity (should they choose it) to gaslight their partner for behaving badly. Which now puts negative focus on the person who just innocently has a need they would like filled. Never a nice predicament.
 
Both parties are responsible for their response.
The asker needs to do it in a skilful manner, and the listener needs to be present and willing to jump into action and do what is required, or re-negotiate a win-win.
 
Some couples are great up to this point, but then one of them struggles with remembering to DO what was asked. They agree to do the request, but just can’t seem to remember to do it.
 
 This is where the idea of the million dollar relationship kicks in.
So imagine if there was a magic fairy godmother who said she would give you $1 million if you did the thing you agreed to.
Would you do it??
 
Most people sheepishly agree that they probably would… that no matter how bad their memory is, that they would find a way. Interestingly, these people easily turn up to work on time, know exactly when the sports starts on TV, or never forget a hair appointment.
 
Because yes, memory is selective.  Unless we actually have a physical memory issue, we remember things that we care about. Not always, but mostly.
 
So the question is – how much do you care about nurturing your relationship – what is your relationship worth??
 
You know how much it’s worth to you, because you just won’t put it risk. Like a job you love. Like a holiday you have been planning. Like your health… or children. It’s important, so you do what it takes to keep it healthy and happening. All the little seemingly unimportant things, and the bigger things. That’s what commitment means.
 
 
But how do I remember?!!
So, like you do with anything that matters, you commit, you put strategies in place.
 
You put up signs in the bedroom/kitchen etc; alarms on your phone; use NLP or other mind strategies to install it in your subconscious mind. Imagine yourself doing the action, saying “Million dollars!”  to yourself,  and feeling great that you’ve done it.
You do whatever it takes to keep your word and build trust and care into your incredibly valuable relationship.
 
Every time you do this, is like depositing $100 into your Relationship Savings Account. Soon the habit of saying YES to your relationship becomes easier and easier, and you find that at the end of the year, you have a huge account bursting with love and trust and joy and connection … and great sex ;-)
 
UP NEXT
 Obviously, your partner needs to ask Cleary and Kindly and Skilfully for what they want. And that’s a whole other thing altogether. See next blog. Coming soon!
 

Win-Win Relating
No matter how fantastic your relationship is, its likely to move into the ‘Power Struggle’ stage some time after  2 months to 2 years together. In this very normal stage, where one or both parties attempt to re-establish their individuality separate from the relationship. You begin to look for what is different, or wrong or bad with your partner. And this is where arguments and disconnection can start.
 
At this stage, people either run for the hills, stay stuck on and off for the duration of the relationship, or learn to create wonderful win-wins and stay happily together.
 
This is where having a few relationship and communication skills can be very handy.

• Get in early – don’t allow things to fester. No matter how small or large the issues are, clean them up.
• If your partner has an issue with you, take it seriously, even if you don’t think it’s a problem.
•  Put aside special time to clear up issues.
• Learn how to do Active Listening – where you take it in turns to truly listen and empathise and understand each other’s point of view.
• Learn to listen and active-listen without going into judgement and wanting to be right. No matter how crazy or wrong your partner sounds, your job is to step into their shoes and understand them from their world.
• After you have both FULLY heard and understood each other, co-create juicy win-wins, and make clear agreements about future behaviour together.

​We live in a culture that values winning, but unfortunately if you win in your relationship, your relationship loses, and often gets so toxic that it dies. Instead, always think of your relationship as a team sport – you are both on the same side, working together using your unique gifts and talents - heading towards the same goal of long term love, connection, safety and happiness together.

One of the most profoundly difficult things we are asked to do in healthy relationships/friendships, is 'Sit in the Fire' when your friend/partner is feeling angry.

As long as they do not insult or demean or physically harm you, the most powerful and effective thing you can do is, breathe, ground and stay present... empathise.
Do not give advice, unless clearly asked for.

Feel the feelings of wanting to run away, or make it better.
Keep breathing and stay put. Sit in the centre of the heat.

And remember, in all likelihood, (unless they really ARE an abuser) ...their anger is a valid response to things that only they know about... until you fully listen.

Leave your fear and judgement at the door,
and empathise more and more.

If it feels safe and appropriate, and you are in the same space, see if you can stay, or get back in physical contact.

Anger is an incredible self-protective emotion...and wonderful learning and healing comes from staying present and hearing them out. If done well, it can DEEPEN the intimacy and trust in the relationship. But if not done well, it can do the opposite.

SIT IN THE HEAT.  ( but don't put up with abuse.)

Ultimately all communication is about building connection and relationship. Even when it is just a sharing of facts and information, the relational brain/being is tracking for safety and connection by being understood.

1. BE PRESENT  - put your full attention on the other - step into their shoes.

2. FEEL AND SHOW EMPATHY with your body language and/or words - To do this authentically, you need to put your attention fully on the other, to feel like you are literally stepping into their shoes.
“Wow, I really get what you are saying!”
or
"That must be so upsetting/confusing/lonely/disappointing for you!"
​"I'm so sorry to hear that."
Mirror their tonality. If they sound upset, you sound upset. If they are excited, be excited. And if you are truly stepping into their shoes, this will be an authentic response, not fake or made up.
      
PS you can try to fake empathy, but most people notice, and it doesn’t work for very long.  

3. BE CURIOUS. Ask clarifying questions to take the speaker further.     

4. ADD TO THE SUBJECT. "Yes, and... " Stay on topic and add an interesting nuance. But don't talk about you…. yet…. your time is later when the speaker has been reasonably listened to.  

5. DO NOT INTERRUPT.  Or at least be mindful of when to interrupt. Interruptions come in many forms. From overly enthusiastic agreeing noises... to not letting the speaker finish a sentence, a paragraph, or an idea... to constantly bringing the conversation back to yourself.  Doing this builds resentment and disconnection. 
​
Research has shown that the brain interprets constant interruptions as a form of minor trauma. Similar to, but not as bad as, constantly waking up during the night. And we all know what that does to your state of mind.  And any form of trauma ie Complex PTSD etc, can make someone highly sensitive to interruptions.

5. BE PATIENT. SLOW DOWN. BREATHE. IT'S YOUR TURN SOON. No matter how how hurtful or 'wrong' your partner feels to you, don't react, don't fight back, don't escalate. You are building the relationship, which, ultimately,  is more important than the subject matter you are discussing.

6. DON'T GIVE ADVICE - unless requested. This is a hard one for caring, and especially practical people. It's often their way of showing love and support.
However, unless asked for,  giving advice is unhelpful in 3 ways.
a) It assumes the other person doesn't have solutions for themself. - ie it's diminishing of their capacities.  If you listened longer, or asked what solutions they have already tried, you might find they already have a solution. 
b).  If you haven't done a whole lot of empathising first, then your advice is likely to fall on deaf ears.  You might even end up with the original speaker being very upset with you. And all you were doing was trying to help!  ;-) 
c). Paradoxically, it puts you in a power-over position. You can feel stronger and wiser as you dispense your pearls of wisdom which can distract you from being PRESENT and EMPATHISING which are much more important than your advice. Unless asked for ;-)

CAVEAT
Unless explicitly stated, all communication needs to be reciprocal. A flow of give and take between speaking and listening  If you are a Generous Listener, there is no doubting that people will like and appreciate you. But be careful that the relationship is not just one way - ie you listening and them speaking. Obviously , this can become very unsatisfying, very quickly.
​
After a decent period of generous listening, it can be a good idea to insert a few thoughts and ideas of yours, and see if the other person can pick them up and also become a Generous Listener. If they reciprocate in this way,  you can end up having a balanced give and take of listening and sharing…. and ultimately deepening the TRUST in the relationship.  

The only form of unconditional love is between a parent and their baby. Its all give and no take - except for the occasional smile and gurgle ;-) 

All other relationships are conditional.
They are conditional upon care and respect and responsibility from both parties.

In the same way that nature is conditional. If you break the laws, you get the consequence.

And remember, a consequence is not a punishment,it flows naturally from your behaviour.
If you are addicted to your phone, then your relationship will deteriorate.
If you don't keep your agreements, ditto. The Trust gets undermined, the other person pulls away, and the relationship lives in suspended animation... or dies.

We live in a world of Duality. Whatever you do, there is a consequence.
And it is the duty of good parents to provide these consequences - else we have a culture of un-grounded, self-focussed children, teenagers and adults who don't know how to get on with each other.

​Just how the 'Powers that Be' like it.