One of the most profoundly difficult things we are asked to do in healthy relationships/friendships, is 'Sit in the Fire' when your friend/partner is feeling angry.

As long as they do not insult or demean or physically harm you, the most powerful and effective thing you can do is, breathe, ground and stay present... empathise.
Do not give advice, unless clearly asked for.

Feel the feelings of wanting to run away, or make it better.
Keep breathing and stay put. Sit in the centre of the heat.

And remember, in all likelihood, (unless they really ARE an abuser) ...their anger is a valid response to things that only they know about... until you fully listen.

Leave your fear and judgement at the door,
and empathise more and more.

If it feels safe and appropriate, and you are in the same space, see if you can stay, or get back in physical contact.

Anger is an incredible self-protective emotion...and wonderful learning and healing comes from staying present and hearing them out. If done well, it can DEEPEN the intimacy and trust in the relationship. But if not done well, it can do the opposite.

SIT IN THE HEAT.  ( but don't put up with abuse.)

Went into my local library today and saw a promotion for Pride Month and Mardi Gras. (Why the heck do they get a month?? Is nothing else interesting happening in the world??)
There was a huge table groaning with books encouraging kids to become hyper-sexualised and self mutilate.... i.e exploring their sexuality. Could we even call this grooming???
Not a single book exploring the opposite ideas… ie “learn to love yourself as you are…. And no, you can’t change your gender. It just doesn’t work.”
One book was actually called ‘Love is for Losers’. Wow that’s a great message to send your kids!

Hence we know that this is PROPAGANDA NOT EDUCATION.

I phoned the librarian, and after asking a few gentle questions such as... 'how does a male actually become a female?? (she didn't have an answer)… So I ended making it clear that I was making a complaint - She was not happy and hung up on me.

​I also posted this on the Bellingen Library Facebook page "Encouraging children to become trans.... to self-mutilate, to never have a functioning sex life or normal relationships ... to never have your own children... to be on brain altering hormones for the rest of your life..... wouldn't you call this child abuse??? and therefore a CRIME??? I strongly suggest you take down this presentation before you experience the repercussions of the law. And whilst you are at it - please educate yourselves about this subject BEFORE you promote it. Else you become ethically and legally responsible for destroying childrens' lives.
We have to stop this folks - the mass abuse and eradication of our beautiful children.
Please call your local library and tell them you will hold them personally responsible for child abuse.
BELLINGEN LIBRARY - ‭02 6655 1744‬

Ultimately all communication is about building connection and relationship. Even when it is just a sharing of facts and information, the relational brain/being is tracking for safety and connection by being understood.

1. BE PRESENT  - put your full attention on the other - step into their shoes.

2. FEEL AND SHOW EMPATHY with your body language and/or words - To do this authentically, you need to put your attention fully on the other, to feel like you are literally stepping into their shoes.
“Wow, I really get what you are saying!”
or
"That must be so upsetting/confusing/lonely/disappointing for you!"
​"I'm so sorry to hear that."
Mirror their tonality. If they sound upset, you sound upset. If they are excited, be excited. And if you are truly stepping into their shoes, this will be an authentic response, not fake or made up.
      
PS you can try to fake empathy, but most people notice, and it doesn’t work for very long.  

3. BE CURIOUS. Ask clarifying questions to take the speaker further.     

4. ADD TO THE SUBJECT. "Yes, and... " Stay on topic and add an interesting nuance. But don't talk about you…. yet…. your time is later when the speaker has been reasonably listened to.  

5. DO NOT INTERRUPT.  Or at least be mindful of when to interrupt. Interruptions come in many forms. From overly enthusiastic agreeing noises... to not letting the speaker finish a sentence, a paragraph, or an idea... to constantly bringing the conversation back to yourself.  Doing this builds resentment and disconnection. 
​
Research has shown that the brain interprets constant interruptions as a form of minor trauma. Similar to, but not as bad as, constantly waking up during the night. And we all know what that does to your state of mind.  And any form of trauma ie Complex PTSD etc, can make someone highly sensitive to interruptions.

5. BE PATIENT. SLOW DOWN. BREATHE. IT'S YOUR TURN SOON. No matter how how hurtful or 'wrong' your partner feels to you, don't react, don't fight back, don't escalate. You are building the relationship, which, ultimately,  is more important than the subject matter you are discussing.

6. DON'T GIVE ADVICE - unless requested. This is a hard one for caring, and especially practical people. It's often their way of showing love and support.
However, unless asked for,  giving advice is unhelpful in 3 ways.
a) It assumes the other person doesn't have solutions for themself. - ie it's diminishing of their capacities.  If you listened longer, or asked what solutions they have already tried, you might find they already have a solution. 
b).  If you haven't done a whole lot of empathising first, then your advice is likely to fall on deaf ears.  You might even end up with the original speaker being very upset with you. And all you were doing was trying to help!  ;-) 
c). Paradoxically, it puts you in a power-over position. You can feel stronger and wiser as you dispense your pearls of wisdom which can distract you from being PRESENT and EMPATHISING which are much more important than your advice. Unless asked for ;-)

CAVEAT
Unless explicitly stated, all communication needs to be reciprocal. A flow of give and take between speaking and listening  If you are a Generous Listener, there is no doubting that people will like and appreciate you. But be careful that the relationship is not just one way - ie you listening and them speaking. Obviously , this can become very unsatisfying, very quickly.
​
After a decent period of generous listening, it can be a good idea to insert a few thoughts and ideas of yours, and see if the other person can pick them up and also become a Generous Listener. If they reciprocate in this way,  you can end up having a balanced give and take of listening and sharing…. and ultimately deepening the TRUST in the relationship.  

If you do a search for my name on the internet,  you are likely to come up with a legal document from the Australian government-funded Health Care Complaints Commission - HCCC.
In their 6 page document of endless imagined claims, they falsely allege that in early January 2020, I caused harm to an ex-client of mine. I contacted them numerous times - both email and phone - asking for proof of the allegations. But rather than follow due process, they ignored all my requests, and treated me as if I was guilty... and barrelled on with their apparent goal to destroy my name and my 32 year Counselling business.

When I found out who the ex-client was, I was incredibly surprised, as this particular female client came to see me on and off for 2-3 years - and she was THE most complimentary client in my whole life as a Counsellor!  She told me pretty much every session how much I was helping her ... and it was so full on, that I had to regularly ask her to focus on the great work she was doing to help herself. And we also never had the slightest upset or misunderstandings that I was aware of. Hence, my incredible surprise when I found out it was she who made the complaint.  Also most of the complaints seemed to have nothing to do with her and what mattered to her - she appeared to have been 'coached'.  Obviously, I tried to contact her, (once)  but she wouldn't respond.

Despite my many letters and phone calls, all my requests for the HCCC to provide evidence were duly ignored. Early on, I was given interim orders that banned me from working... (surely this is illegal?) ...and then eventually, they requested I turn up to court. 

As it was during the Covid era... I lived 7 hours away from Sydney,...and I had no funds for a lawyer... and I had completely lost any faith that I would be treated fairly... I did not turn up to the 4 times they called me to court.  To be honest, it was hard for me to treat the whole thing seriously, because there was no way I would ever harm a client. And they had no evidence, because how could they, if their allegations had no basis in truth?? 

Nevertheless, they found me guilty of not turning up to court, and somehow magically produced a rabbit out of their magicians hat with the resultant outcome.
OUTCOME

1. Banned from working for life in my area of expertise - including voluntary.
2. Fined $40,000 – which curiously went up to $60K
3. Fine was unpaid – resulting in loss of drivers licence – then re-instated somehow? - and since July, 2024, suspended for life.
4. Car was de-registered
5. Defamed throughout all the major mainstream media and newspaper outlets.

Obviously, this is a total travesty of justice, and if we actually lived in a Democracy, this could never happen. Which does make one think - do we live in the opposite??

Surely it is not ethical to obey an unjust law or ruling?
A responsible or sovereign person cannot collude
with such injustice, because to do so is to encourage it.

Interestingly, I am in good company. Similar has happened to many medical practitioners in Australia. Including the incredible Naturopath, Barbara O'Neill. She turned up to court with a good lawyer, but ended up with a similar outcome - banned from working for life.

Just recently, I noticed that Michael Gray Griffith of Cafe Locked Out was doing some great work supporting Barbara, so last week (Jan 2024),  I decided to contact him, and we did this interview, where he listened to me with great understanding and compassion. A most healing experience after all the craziness of dealing with the HCCC.

Click here for my interview with Michael at Cafe Locked Out 

​Despite the inestimable negative impact this has all had on my life, the loss of income, and destruction of my good name... I have prevailed, and will continue to do so with the incredible support of my friends and community... who I will be forever grateful for keeping me surviving.

I look forward to justice prevailing.